I was only 17 when I learned how to take back all the fucks I had given! Accept me as I am or don’t, I don’t care!
This will be the one and only post I will have that touches on anything in my life prior to adulthood. I wanted to throw this in, because I realize that so many women are still dwelling on what others think about them. Thinking about how long time friends, spouses, or family will respond to you changing. You only have one life to live, and you might as well live it being you, whoever that is!
I had my first crush on a girl in the fifth grade, she was so beautiful, tall, mixed, with beautiful hair. After her it became more frequent, I liked girls! At the age of 14 I was able to call a thing a thing, FINALLY, I just thought something was different about me. In middle school I overheard some girls whispering about this stud girl, “She likes girls, she’s gay, that’s why she dresses like that!”. I thought to myself oh wow I like girls, so I’m gay, makes sense. At last, I had something to search for on Black Planet, and girl I found exactly what I was looking for. I got an internet girlfriend, or two, well three! I WAS IN HEAVEN!
I lived this secret life until I was 17, I fucked up and left a note laying around where my mom could see it, I outed myself. My mother was my best friend at the time, she thought she knew everything about me, so this blew up her world. She didn’t speak to me for an entire week, I guess she needed time to process the shit, I don’t know. On our way out of town she decided to have the “talk” with me. “What makes you feel like you are gay?” Silence… “Where did you get this gay shit from?” Silence… “I’m not gay, so how are you gay?” Silence…. So yeah, you get the picture, this went on for 30 minutes with me saying nothing.
By the time we got to our destination visiting family, I walked in and EVERYONE was staring at me like I was a fucking leopard, so obviously they all got the memo. I just took my little happy ass to the back room and stayed there, one after another they all came to “talk” to me, they wanted to understand. What they failed to realize is that I didn’t have the answers they wanted, I liked boys and girls, that’s all I knew.
When we got back home from that extra fucked up weekend, I realized something, the person I was most afraid to find out knew about me! I was free, I got a girlfriend, I came out at school and lived life how I wanted to. Unfortunately my relationship with my mother never got back to the way it was, but I was okay with that because I was able to be myself, accepted or not.
Life is too short to be someone you are not! You have a voice, you are beautiful, you are unique, there is only one person like you in the whole world. From that day forward I have lived my life how I want to live it and I never let people dictate who I am “supposed” to be. Live out loud and I guarantee you will be happy and more full of life. You may lose some people in the process, but they were not meant to be there in the first place if they don’t accept you as you are.